It has come to my attention that there are a few things I need to tell you involving personal hygiene, they are as follows:

1. Bathing is socially acceptable.
-That's right it is! They even have this lovely thing called soap that you can use to avoid looking like some vagabond who sleeps in his van. Also, it might make that lingering odor dissipate just a smidge.

2. Shaving is fashionable.
-Don't believe what you see in the magazines. Girls love guys who clean up and shave their face! Most respectable men do! I've enclosed a Mach III for you to try. So give it a whirl. Oh and don't forget the cream too.

3. Cut your goddamn hair.
-Seriously, you look ridiculous. Jacob is a hippy werewolf with long hair and even Taylor Lautner wears a wig.

4. You know what, Go ahead and wash your hair too.
-It goes along with number one, except it involves shampoo.

I hope this helps. And please, for the love of Christ, at least try number one.

Sincerely,
Me

P.S. You have a large head. Like, it looks as though you tried to swallow and watermelon whole and failed. Do something about that.